What's Killing Me Now?

6

Jul 07, 2024

Jan in her 80s cabaret Worse then Perverse. Photo Sandy Edwards.

LB is the breast I lost in my unilateral mastectomy on March 6, 2024. Rightie Tightie (RT) is the remaining (smaller) breast. Since the day before surgery I have been writing letters/odes to Leftie Bestie on FaceBook and transferring here to Substack. Find all previous eps here.

Dear Leftie Bestie,

You are probably wondering why you haven’t heard from me and Rightie Tightie for a while. I’m wondering that myself, even though I know the answer — we’ve been on a Go Slow. That’s what I’m calling it. Like we are not only heeding the command of the roadside traffic control person holding the lollipop sign, but we have become her. And all we have to do all day is chill out, hold the Go Slow sign, stare off into the distance, joke around with the rest of the crew and when the sun starts heading for the horizon, head home for dinner and bed — yes, that’s how we’ve been living life lately.

Cos to tell the truth LB, I was a bit exhausted from all that cancer business, it was a big deal— getting the bad news, losing you in the operating theatre, deciding what to do next, launching the fundraiser to get us to Japan for the immune enhancement treatment. It was all very ‘Hero’s Journey’ with the inciting incident, the call to action, facing the obstacles/dangers on the path, making the noble sacrifice, teaming up with allies to fight off the dark invader, setting off on a physical journey to an unknown land and returning triumphant, elixir in hand. What do you think LB? Can we end the story there?

Trouble is I’m always more interested in what the hero does after the audience has left the cinema. Do they slump into a deep bipolar malaise until the next challenge turns up or do they just go on to live a dull and boring life? Perhaps they join the Dull Women’s Club on Facebook. Have you seen that LB? Women of all ages talking about how much they love being dull and boring. Not so boring, you get to find out. Turns out they love their own company, love their simple pleasures, their quirky hobbies, love their pets, love their gardens, love being alone.

I get it, LB, I totally get it. I’m dreaming of gardens all the time now, I’ve even started a small herb garden on my balcony. This is HUGE for me LB, I only ever do succulents, things that can take care of themselves for there’s nothing worse than the feeling of failure when all your good intentions die of thirst in front of you. I need to get my hands in the soil LB, it’s an urge that has come over me since I got back from Japan. I need to get off the computer and into the soil.

Not because I’m wondering if my computer gave us cancer LB (which I am) or all the other devices I have my hands on during the day. I even sleep with them. Did you know that LB? Of course you did, they were (eek) on your side of the bed! You also know how once I used to only sleep with real books (there’s still a few of them kicking around) but my phone, my Kindle, my Mac Air, are my night time companions now. I do try to remember to turn them off LB, but sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a movie and wake up at 2 am surrounded by a light show of pinging and popping. That’s pretty bad LB, don’t you think? Maybe I need to go to Device Rehab. Maybe the whole world needs to go to Device Rehab. Would that solve all our problems LB? Would it?

There’s plenty of other things I need rehab for too LB, and I’m not talking about the usual suspects because as my close friends know, I turned Straight Edge decades ago, even before it was a thing. No sugar, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, chocolate (I know!!!) not because I was a goodie-goodie, but because I always felt worse after having them. Suddenly no hangovers, no brain fog, no headaches, no withdrawals — it was easy LB, so easy!

Your’e so pure Jan, how could you, of all people, get cancer? I heard my friends exclaim.

Nuts, I told them, it’s probably the nuts. Because the things you love the most will probably end up killing you yeah? What do you think LB? I mean drinking, smoking, drugs, fast cars, free diving, climbing ridiculously high mountains — these are all pretty obvious. But what about nuts LB? I love nuts, esp cashews, but they make my psoriasis flare up. Yoghurt too. In Traditional Chinese Medicine it’s called a damp condition. Too much damp can cause all sorts of problems, can even lead to cancer. Just like an old log in a damp forest where all the weird and wonderful varieties of fungi proliferate and slowly take over…

Is that how it felt when that nasty little Triple Neg tumour was creeping into your tissue LB? I’m so sorry, it was all my fault, mine alone. Or was it LB, was it? Was it my fault or just bad luck? My fault or somebody elses? What about the government LB? Can we blame the Governments, the Patriarchy, Capitalism, Corporate Greed, MAN, can we blame MAN?

What’s Killing Me Now LB? I put this in caps ‘cos it’s the title to a song I wrote a long time ago, when every second newspaper headline announced all the different things that can give you cancer. These days when there’s even more cancer around, the focus has changed — now every second headline is about how to live longer. But how long LB, how long is long enough?

I’ve updated the song LB, not much, just a little. It’s Devo style song with Moog synthesiser, original accompaniment and extra vocals by my cabaret partner, pianist/composer, Elizabeth Drake. Sadly it was never recorded. We performed it in 1981 at Nimrod Downstairs Theatre in our cabaret show Worse Than Perverse.